‘You can’t go around hating people for your poor decisions’

By Thandekile Moyo

I have a friend who hates men. When she got pregnant, her boyfriend of many years decided he wasn’t ready to be a father and disappeared from their lives.

She was left to fend for her pregnant self and later on, for the baby, all on her own.

I know a guy who hates women. He once had a girlfriend who used him and ditched him the moment she found a richer guy. He says he did everything in his power to make her happy but all she did was cheat on him and leave him broke. He says she used him.

I know a girl who lied to one of her married boyfriends that she was pregnant with twins. He was made to pay for fake prenatal scans; sent hundreds of dollars for non-existent doctors appointments, prenatal vitamins and maternity wear. When he found out, he was livid and told everyone who cared to listen how devious and cruel the girl is and how she used him without shame.

There’s a man I know, who spent large sums of money on a woman who clearly had no interest in him. She used to keep him at arm’s length and had no regard for him whatsoever.

Funny enough, she used to accept all of his gifts and monetary efforts.  He says he thought if he kept spending money on her, maybe one day she would reciprocate his feelings for her.

When she found someone else to spend on her she dropped him like a hot potato and he tells everyone who cares to listen that she used him.

All of us seem to have felt “used” at some point in our lives. I do not identify with the notion of someone having the ability to use me.

This is because the concept of being used gives the impression that the used party had no say in the issue. As if the user had all the control and the used was just a helpless victim.

Who doesn’t know that unprotected sex leads to pregnancy? So if one engages in premarital sex it means they are taking the risk of falling pregnant and they are doing so with their eyes wide open!

With the risk of pregnancy comes the risk of the man refusing to take responsibility for the pregnancy. For some reason us girls seem to forget all those things when we fall in love and we give boys free reign over us, only to accuse them of using us when things do not go as planned.

We need to start teaching our girls to take responsibility for their actions.  Nobody owes you marriage simply because you are now pregnant.

Nobody gives you HIV, you take it.  Because the consequences are mostly felt by women and girls, we need to learn to be in charge of our reproductive health as well as our sexuality.

The onus is on you to abstain, use protection or use contraception. When you neglect to do so you cannot then act like a helpless victim when the proverbial shit hits the fan!

We use ourselves, our bodies and our sexuality to gain love and sometimes for money and pretend to be helpless victims when our plans crumble!

Men also need to learn that when you spend money on a woman, be prepared for the possibility that she might never ever return the favour.

It does not follow that monetary favours are repaid with sexual favours. Sometimes all we are willing to give after you have spent on us, is words of gratitude.

A grown man cannot then divert his income to fulfilling the whims of some girl only to go around screaming he was used when she tells him she’s not interested in him.

How do these girls use you? Will they be holding guns to your heads? You use yourself and your money to maliciously gain sexual favours and then cry foul when things go wrong!

For someone to use you it means you are doing something you do not want to do. If you sleep with someone willingly and you both enjoy the experience, where does the idea of being used come in? If you willingly and happily spend money on someone, how is she using you?

Because we have ulterior motives when we get into relationships, we shall always be prone to unimaginable levels of disappointment.

We need to learn to do only the things we really want to do and whose consequences we can face.

We cannot go around living recklessly simply because when things go wrong we will absolve ourselves of all the blame and shift it onto the next person.

Taking responsibility for your actions is being able to say to yourself, I messed up, I miscalculated and I was wrong.

It is the art of being able to accept your mistakes and take measures to prevent yourself from making the same mistakes.

When we do not acknowledge our own flaws, we will keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again because when you feel you are the victim, you do not need to change.

But if you accept you were stupid, you can take actions to be cleverer next time.

These are the truths we cannot run away from:

Women love money. We love to be pampered and spoiled. We will accept gifts from people whose hand we cringe when shaking and we will be happy to spend your money without having to give you a hug or anything in return.

If you show us you are able to fund, we will spend. So to protect yourselves, dear men, only spend freely, happily and calculatedly.

Men are highly sexual creatures. If you are available they will take you.

They will sleep with you without ever intending to love you, let alone marry you. When you indulge them, do so because you want to, do so freely, happily and calculatedly.

You can’t go around hating people for your poor decisions. Hate the decision you made and equip yourself to behave better in future.

The bottom line is this sex does not get you love, money and marriage and money will not always get you sex, love and marriage.

There is no formula to these issues as what works for A might not work for B. Like my friend Melinda Teya always says, “everything in life is a gamble, you either win or you lose.”

May 2017
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